A lesson in reconciliation

The Native Americans had a very special ceremony to restore their relationships. They sat in a circle and passed around a stone plate of burning tobacco.

Then they inhaled the smoke through a hollow reed adorned with bird feathers, which they called “peace pipe”. This was used to restore peace and friendship between enemies.

God created us to have an intimate relationship with him and with others. We will always be vulnerable to disappointment, suffering, discord and disagreement, but instead of starting a “war of revenge”, it is necessary to cultivate a heart of reconciliation. True reconciliation makes you live in peace, even with your enemies.

“If possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” (Romans 12:18)

“What should I do if I have not been able to convince a person with a hard heart to reconcile?”

You are not responsible for people’s reactions, but you are responsible before God to seek reconciliation. Each person is directly accountable to God

“So each one of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)

“Should I seek reconciliation if I am still angry?”

Reconciliation will have no effect if you haven’t fixed your anger. Allow the Spirit of God to produce true repentance in your life and such an attitude that the heart of the offended is softened.

“The offended brother is more tenacious than a strong city, and the disputes of the brothers are like fortress locks.” (Proverbs 18:19)

“What should I do if my effort to reconcile fails?”

People will be watching your behavior, so keep doing what’s right.

“Repay no one evil for evil; Seek what is good before all men.” (Romans 12:17)

“ I failed to relate to a family member. What do I do if I know I have failed and cannot be forgiven?

You cannot know if you will be forgiven or not. What you do know is that you must ask for forgiveness and leave the answer in God’s hands. If he is forgiven, fine! If not, that person will account to God for his disobedience.

“The Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins” (Matthew 9:6)

The downward spiral of a hardened heart

We are responsible for how we relate to our fellow human beings. A hardened heart that refuses to take its responsibility in life opens the door to problems with others.

A hardened heart…

denies the existence of the conflict

Gets stuck in perceived injustice

Dominate the conversation without giving concessions

Discuss the problem petulantly

despise apologies

Discard any solution

Is emotionally distant from others

He decides not to let himself be hurt again.

has a desire for revenge

Damage the other person’s reputation

Defend personal innocence

Hesitating to honor any past commitments

“The man who hardens his neck rebuked, suddenly he will be crushed, and there will be no medicine for him.” (Proverbs 29:1)

Prepare your heart to seek reconciliation

Prepare your heart to seek reconciliation. (Colossians 3:15)

The lack of reconciliation affects your relationship with God. (Matthew5:23,24)

Seek forgiveness and apologize for the words that have hurt the other person. (Proverbs 6:2,3)

Know the basic rules of communication. (Ephesians 4:2)

  • Offer unconditional acceptance.
  • Confront the problem, not the person.
  • Listen without interrupting.
  • Express your feelings in clear words.
  • Use words that build self-esteem.
  • Let your goal be mutual understanding.
  • Give more than you expect to receive.

Be kind and meek and trust God to do his work in the other person’s heart. (2 Timothy 2:24,25)

Reflect the character of Christ in everything he does. (Galatians 2:20)

Find a mediator if necessary. (Matthew 18:16)

Don’t feel responsible for the results. (Romans 8:28)

Rest because you have done everything possible to seek peace. (Romans 12:18)

key verse to memorize

“That God was in Christ reconciling the world to himself, not taking his sins into account of men, and he entrusted to us the word of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:19)

Key passage to read and meditate

Matthew 5:23,24

When someone refuses reconciliation

Remember . . .

  • If you are repentant from the heart, you have achieved God’s total forgiveness. (1 John 1:8,9)
  • Pray for those who refuse to reconcile, perhaps there is an unmet need. (Matthew 5:44)
  • God never leaves him alone when he loses an intimate relationship. (Psalms 34:18)
  • Control what you say about those who refuse to reconcile. (Romans 12:14)
  • Do not be vengeful, in due time God will judge those who do wrong. (Romans 12:19)
  • God will do his good work in you despite the difficulties. (Romans 8:28)

“Let us not tire, then, of doing good; for in due time we will reap, if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:9)

Test the condition of your heart