Assertiveness: 10 tips to be assertive while still being yourself
Assertiveness is often defined as the ability to express opinions, feelings, attitudes, and desires, and to claim one’s rights, at the right time, without undue anxiety, and in a way that does not affect the rights of others.
Popular wisdom says that assertive people get ahead. They speak their minds, request the resources they need, express their desires and feelings, and don’t take no for an answer.
But if you are not an assertive person, you should not worry, you can become assertive, ask for what you need and get what you want, without ceasing to be yourself.
The keys to assertiveness: Learn to be assertive
1. Start small
If the idea of being assertive makes you feel especially bad or insecure, start with low-risk situations. For example, if you order a hamburger, and the waiter brings you grilled salmon, point it out and send it back.
If you’re out shopping with your partner and you’re trying to decide on a place to eat, have your say in choosing where to go.
Once you feel comfortable in these low-stakes situations, start gradually increasing the difficulty.
2. Start by saying no
On the way to be more assertive, NO is your best partner. You must say no more often. It is possible to be firm and determined with the NO without ceasing to be considerate.
At first, saying no may make you feel anxious, but over time you will come to feel good and quite liberated.
Some people are likely to be disappointed by this new situation. But remember that as long as you express your needs in a considerate way, you are in no way responsible for his reaction.
3. Be simple and direct
When you’re asserting yourself, less is more. Make your requests simply and directly. There is no need for elaborate explanations (see below). It is enough to politely say what you think, feel or want.
4. Use the “I”
When making a request or expressing disapproval use the “I”. Always do it in first person. Instead of saying, “You are so inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard today has been. Why are you asking me to do all these tasks?”, you should say “I am exhausted today. I see that you want me to do all these things, but I won’t be able to do them until tomorrow.
5. Do not apologize for expressing a need or desire.
Unless you are asking for something that is manifestly unreasonable, there is no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing a need or want.
So stop apologizing when you ask for something. Just ask politely and wait to see how the other person responds. Being assertive is communicating.
6. Use body language and the tone of voice
You must appear confident when making a request or indicating a preference. Standing up, leaning a little, smiling or maintaining a neutral facial expression, looking the person in the eye, are actions that denote security. You also need to make sure that you speak clearly and loud enough.
7. You do not have to justify or explain your opinion
When you make a decision or give an opinion that others disagree with, one way they will try to exert control over you is by demanding that you give a justification for your choice, opinion, or behavior. If you can’t find a good enough reason, they assume you have to go along with what they want.
Non-assertive people, with their need to please, feel compelled to provide an explanation or justification for every choice they make, even if the other person did not ask for it.
They want to make sure that everyone agrees with their choices, and so what they are doing is asking permission to live their own lives.
8. Be persistent
Sometimes you are faced with situations where you initially do not find a response to your requests. Don’t just tell yourself, “At least I tried.” Often to be treated fairly you have to be persistent.
For example, if your flight was cancelled, keep asking about other options, such as being transferred to another airline, so you can get to your destination on time.
9. Keep calm
If someone disagrees or disapproves of your choice, opinion, or request, you shouldn’t get angry or defensive. It is better to seek a constructive response or decide to avoid this person in future situations.
10. Choose your battles
A common mistake we make on the road to being more assertive is trying to be assertive all the time. Assertiveness is situational and contextual. There may be cases where being assertive will get you nowhere and taking a more aggressive or passive stance is the better option.
Sometimes it is certainly necessary to hide feelings. However, learning to express your opinions, and most importantly, to respect the validity of those opinions and wishes, will make you a more confident person.
The result of an assertive action may lead to getting exactly what you want, or perhaps a commitment, or perhaps a rejection, but regardless of the result, it will lead to you feeling closer to being in control of your own life.
Frequently asked questions about assertiveness and being assertive
► What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a way of communicating with others in an open, direct, and honest way about your own feelings, rights, and needs.
► Why is it so difficult to be assertive?
There are different reasons, but all of them have to do with false beliefs that we hold in relation to how others will feel or act if we communicate assertively.
► What are the benefits of being assertive?
Assertiveness feeds self-confidence, thus improving self-esteem. Optimize control of your life and your emotions, and substantially improve relationships with others.
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